


A Study In Parody

by Hells_Ice_Heavens_Fire



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Gen, Mary Sue, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-20
Updated: 2008-08-20
Packaged: 2019-11-05 10:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17917010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hells_Ice_Heavens_Fire/pseuds/Hells_Ice_Heavens_Fire
Summary: I was bored and my beta has my lastest chapter and this attacked me. I think it's funny. Watch as Mary-Sue tells you how to properly write her and who she really is, while the canon characters suffer for it





	A Study In Parody

**Author's Note:**

> I was legit high when I wrote this, fun fact. It was on prescription drugs, but still - high as a kite.

(A/N: Alright, so I couldn't quite figure out where to put this, so I just put it in the Twilight category, so technically it is still considered in the right place…kind of. So, anyhow, this is a parody -)

"Okay, that's quite enough out of you. No one wants to hear any more of it. Shut up now!" Glendora kicked Jewles a.k.a Hells' Ice Heaven's Fire a.k.a the author out of her fanfic of awesomeness and perfection.

"Yes, yes, enough of that, let's talk about me! My name is Glendora Mary Sue. I'm beautiful in every way: I'm the perfect weight, the perfect height, the perfect boob size, the perfect tan lines, the perfect teeth, the perfect hands, the perfect face, etc, etc. My hair is the night sky or a river, depending on my mood. My eyes are red, green, yellow, blue, orange, black, brown, purple, and silver. Yes, my eyes are beautiful, thank you. My English is the best ever known to man, unless I say otherwise, but either way I'm cooler then any of you reading this. I know there have been many to claim the title "Mary Sue", but I am better then every single one of them. After all, I'm perfect! And beautiful!" Glendora –

"I'm not done talking about me! Don't try to describe something when I'm not done talking! You know what, you can go away, I'll tell my own story, everyone loves my voice. It's the tinkle of a bell, a roar of the river, the sexy drawl of the sexiest woman alive – ME – and many other things, and above all: It is gorgeous. Like me!

"So, my story starts out like any other day. I was walking in the meadow outside my old fashioned English house, in the 1890's because I'm from the past. Yeah, another awesome thing about me: I'm from the past but I have magical powers that enable me to talk like a future teenager! OH! Did I mention my age? I'm eighteen, the most beautiful age known to man. Thus the reason I will stay this young until the end of time. Oh, it's so hard being me!

"My father and mother don't exist, because I'm perfect and was born from perfection, not a mother and father. And if I had parents I'd be mistreated and abused, and no one wants that! I'm too beautiful to be abused and mistreated!"

(A/N: I'm really sorry about this, I've never written a Mary-Sue before, I'll delete her-)

"HELLO?! Still talking! And I thought I told you to leave, author lady! Just because you wrote me out of boredom does not mean you get to act like a Suethor! Stop interrupting my flow with author's notes, it is annoying!

"That is a major bone I have to pick with all those _other_ Mary-Sue's. How could you let your Suethor's interrupt your story with author's notes?! Have you no shame?

"Well, anyway, on with my story. I was walking through my meadow when a flash of light appeared! I was so shocked!

"GASP!

"I gasped in shock. Out of the air came three books, which I caught in a perfectly balanced pyramid. I'm just talented like that.

"The three books were:

"OMG!

"The Lord of the Rings, Twilight, and Harry Potter book one. I knew everything about these books, because I magiced them here from the future with my mad skills! Of course, with my mad magic skills I immediately knew that I could choose three of the characters in these books to come to life if I wanted to, so I thought really hard about who I wanted.

"From the Lord of the Rings, I wanted – DUH! – Aragorn. He was so hot and sexy. When he appeared before me he looked like Viggo Mortensen. He looked confused and then next to him another person appeared. Edward Cullen, the sex Vampire of sexyness, looked like…well…not Robert Pattinson…he was hotter then Robert, Okay? He also looked around amused but before anything else happened another figure appeared. It was Sirius Black, looking EXACTLY like Gary Oldman, on his good days when he doesn't look old.

"I was like 'OMG! Hi guys! I'm Glendora Mary Sue, and I'm, like, you're biggest fan ever!' and-"

" _Oh, dear Merlin, no, no! It was supposed to be Harry's turn, he's the one that married the Mary-Sue! Can't you people leave me alone? Isn't it enough that I got killed off by a drapery?! Leave me in peace with my Moony and Prongs and Lills! I'll talk nice with Severus, I swear, just don't make me meet another Mary-Sue!"_

"I'm like so offended! I'm prefect! You can't NOT want to meet me, I love you! I'm your biggest fan, and I brought you here!"

" _Can't you people just accept that I'm in love with Arwen and let that be? I'm not going to live forever you know, and all this time I waste with you imbecilic people is less time with my kids and Arwen."_

"Oh, please, everyone knows Arwen is just a slut, I mean seriously! Why would ANYONE do what she did for you? Wait for god knows how long for you to become King and all, and then stay at home, alone, when you're away from years, she was SO sleeping with someone!"

" _Pathetic Mortal Wretch, You have taken me from my Bella. And my child. If you wish to live, return me."_

"Edward was soooooo sexy, all badass and evil, but as I'm prefect and insanely beautiful - more so then Arwen and Bella combined – and powerful and AWSOME, I decided to not heed Edwards growling."

" _You cow! How dare you say your beauty surpasses my Arwen's?!"_ Aragorn drew his sword and Edward, in a blind rage, attacked at the exact same moment! Edward's fangs ripped into Glendora's flesh, tearing and ripping it apart. Aragorn sliced and diced her bones and together they both drowned the meadow in Glendora's blood, bathing the green in red. Her screams of terror and pain filled the night and –

"Okay, we get it she's dead and she suffered. Can I go home now? I miss Prongs and Lills and Moony…" Sirius said, looking at the words appearing as if by magic, written by and unknown-

"Jewles, you're the author, we know it's you." Aragorn said good-naturedly.

And the now not so bored Jewles sent them all back home and burned the remains of her Mary-Sue, glad that she got the wretched creature out of her system.

The End.

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